pain

Is it OK to be disappointed in my life? Is it OK to be disappointed with God? My spiritual director has been pointing out to me that there is a difference between resigning myself to “the way things are” and expressing my disappointment to God and making it a matter of prayer. In our last session she pointed out that this is the pattern of many of the Psalms. They start with expressions to God of deep “negative” emotions such as disappointment, anger, desperation. Then there is a rehearsal of God’s character. Only after this work is done can the psalmist then come to a place of expressing hope and trust and even joy and delight in God.

I’m a bit of a contradiction within myself. I’ve always tried to isolate myself from emotional pain by making myself an observer of my pain and then deciding whether or not to try to do something about it. If not, then I can conveniently encapsulate the pain and try not to feel it. If I do something about it, it’s almost as if I’m working on someone else’s life. Yet, part of me wants to fully experience life, to not be distant, but to be immersed in both the joy and the pain.

Jesus didn’t distance himself from pain. He wasn’t the emotionless, ethereal figure that is often portrayed. He cried over his friend Lazarus’ death, identifying with the pain of his friends, Mary and Martha. And then he did what he came to do: he raised Lazarus. Jesus agonized in the Garden of Gethsemane. Then he set himself to go about the work that the Father had for him, torturous death on the cross as the payment for my sin and yours.

There are a lot of things in life that are disappointments and sources of pain for me. Part of my journey is to learn to be like Jesus, experiencing the pain and also working through it so that it informs and motivates me in the work that God has given me, both on myself and in my world.